My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
