Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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