I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
