How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
