had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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