But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
