if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
