Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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