The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
