woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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