Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
God I need to hump something, right now.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
