I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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