My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
pray to the hookup gods
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
