i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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