halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
