She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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