i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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