Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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