guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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