I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
