You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
