My first STD was from a foam party
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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