He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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