the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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