It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
