I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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