I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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