Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
