If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize