Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize