She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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