I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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