a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
