Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
