woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
