Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
