I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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