my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
