I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
