Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
