I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize