My hand turned me down
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
