did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize