my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
