i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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