I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
