I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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