It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
