he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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