Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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