he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
