You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
