Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
