I'm lost and stupid without you.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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