billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize