We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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